Grandparents and Your Baby
As a Postpartum Doula, when it comes to assessing your needs, I always ask about Grandparents. What about grandparents?
When you shut your eyes and visualize bringing a new baby home, are they in the picture greeting you at the front door, relaxed and ready to fetch you tea? Or maybe it’s something different…a one-time short and sweet gift exchange?
Are they are hanging back a few hours or a few days? Will they be staying at your place or in a granny flat or at an Airbnb or a hotel? Do they drive? Sounds a like a lot right? Here are a few more practical considerations for navigating grandparents and your baby before you decide:
When Can I Hold the Baby
Most family members will expect to hold the baby right away, without consideration for your readiness. In the beginning, leaving your new baby in the arms of family members while napping is too much to ask and those parents may only allow family members to hold the baby during mealtimes or while showering. Some new parents may hold off on visitors for 1-3 weeks to avoid the grabby family members who are insensitive and can’t wait.
Whatever you decide is your choice. Your parents might be more apt to agree to wait because of the seasonal colds, flu, and Covid. If you feel pressured to share your baby before you are ready you must act accordingly. These first few weeks will never come back again so you get it right for you.
Let Your Co-Parent Take the Lead.
If you don’t see your parents as helpful, try zooming for their first bay introduction or if they are local, simply invite them in for a visit for an hour between naps. You can always extend the hour if it’s going well. Ask Co-Parent to take lead and ask guests to bring a favorite family dish. That is tradition…No one visits without easing your load when you have a brand-new baby. If you must excuse yourself because its uncomfortable, need to feed the baby or become exhausted, let Dad take the lead again. Supportive family members will understand.
Give Them a To-Do List.
If family members will be staying for a few days or weeks, are they willing to be helpful, roll up their sleeves, run errands, walk the dog, or do a dish or fold baby laundry? Or are they more likely to want to be entertained as if they were on travel? If the latter seems more likely, you will be doing yourself a favor, wait to invite them in or make it a brief hour visit.
If you do have parents who are more likely to really help, don’t be afraid to tell them exactly what you need. The point is they want to help but don’t know how to be most efficient. Letting them know what you need will keep grandparents from under your feet. And remember grandparents have limited energy so they will need naps and downtime as well. They come with an expiration date-they will want to leave sooner or later.
Do what’s right for you and talk with them.
Bottomline most Grandparents want to be in the mix! Be sure you choose what’s going to work for you and address your family with clear communication. If you wait till the baby is born to inform family of your intentions, there will be hurt feelings
Baby Care Advice: the Good, the Bad, and the Just Plain Wrong!
Baby care is a lot different than it was 20-30 years ago. Typically, you may hear remarks about holding your baby too much, the value of bally sleeping, and plenty of breast- and bottle-feeding myths. You might have heard comments Grandma has made about other family members and their new babies.
A typical go-to answer on your part: “ I know Mom, things are so different aren’t they? What we know about babies is completely different. The nurse instructed me to do it like this, do you want to try? I want to keep current, will you help me?”
If you have knowledge of what Grandma might suggest, be able to report your information but in a kind way, If she insists “I did this with you and you’re fine.” Be firm “I’m going to continue the way I was taught by my ob nurse, (midwife, etc.) and I would really like your help.“
These issues will be important to framing your Postpartum Experience. Also remember your parents have invested time, love and resources with you and are willing to do the same for your babies. It keeps family life alive and meaningful for them and you and baby too.
And don’t forget there is generally at least another set of grandparents. Keep it fair and just. Talk with Baby’s Dad or your Co-Parent to figure it out. Try to keep the big picture in mind while doing what you need to create the best Postpartum Staycation ever!